bored and lost, hiding from miscellaneous thoughts...wondering about mystical moments

random

"that was pretty, now give up." said the lady bug filer in Veronica's head.

from the belly of the fish

Jonah 1:1-3

Sitting in a new church this weekend. Good people, good praise team. Pastor’s sermon was good in that it made me think. I am not sure I always followed his line of thinking, but the point made it through.

He was basically talking about decisions and opportunity. How when we hear a clear calling from God we tend –like Jonah, or Adam/eve- to find another option and follow our way instead of God’s. We do need to remember to weigh each decision, no matter how small against God’s plan, against His word. Our purpose is to stand in the gap-providing a mirror of Jesus to the lost world.

The whole time that the pastor was talking about having a clear vision or calling , and I was thinking it usually isn’t. So I turned over my bulletin and wrote: “What about when the calling isn’t so clear?“ and continued to listen to the pastor. Moments later I wrote: “Not that I am trying to justify my actions, but most of the time the decision doesn’t seem so clear.” To which my thought went (and I wrote) “ So dig in and listen up because more often than not we create our own noise.”

What I was basically telling myself is this: when the decision isn’t clear is it because God isn’t clear or because I am quick to doubt, quick to look for a way out? Have we trained ourselves to doubt the obvious and to question what we don’t understand? To immediately discredit that with which we are uncomfortable?

go figure

I had a thought worth blogging earlier...

Christmas

It's been a beautiful holiday! Family events have all gone smoothly, no crazy fights or anything. And yet it seems as though something is missing.

Christmas lights are always beautiful... but they just aren't the same alone.

clear sky

the stars were beautiful tonight...
the moment i had to glimpse them made me wish i had taken more time,
and that I had been able to share them with you.

just like my tights...

just like my tights...

perception is holey.

it's not faulty neccesarily, but it depends on factors beyond the control of the perciever.

:)

Tonight was really nice...

the beach

castles abandoned
flags blown away
pacifiers lost
in the shadows of sunset
birds glide
friends and couples stroll
waves fall unaltered by human bodies

the beach is almost empty now
and as the coolness of the breeze meets my skin
i can't help but thank God for the beauty of it all!

rose

What is the story of a creamy white rose,
left in a gravel parking lot,
wilted yet not brown?


undated --charleston, evening or early morning... on my way to take a walk on the beach. Must have been early spring, in the all day parking lot at Isle of Palms. I was inspired to wonder about this flower.
Was it the remnant of a romance lost, or the litter of a casual fling?

Why is it that I sometimes talk to a room full of people, that doesn’t listen?

It’s like I think I want them to hear me, to react to what I am saying… but in some way I don’t. so I talk… and even though they don’t react I sometimes keep talking…

scary

that sinking feeling in the pitt of my stomach.

what is this, what is this?

the thought that something's wrong.

what is this, what is this?

a fist, tightning around my heart.

just one word could turn this dream around...

dreaming

Is this really my life?

those eyes

i thought i understood what the poets, artists, and songwriters meant when they talked about the possibility of drowning... of getting lost in someones eyes.... not just any someone of course, but that someone... i was wrong. i don't think you can "understand" that idea, not intellectually... experience will teach you that nothing is the same as you thought it might be.

<3

"I'm as giddy as a spider spinning daydreams..."

today was a beautiful day!

been looking for this piece for a while... written for a friend who was having guy trouble

is this obsession real? this love that he feels.
have we invited a spook or a spark?

can we ever know the true course of a thought, a gaze, a heart?

to ask that we stay, to know where we aren't,
to permit that he go, my eyes to awake

blocked

Having trouble putting pen to paper lately, especially today.
What is it that i suddenly have what could easily be inspiration, but no words?
That my desire to write is met with blank paper? Even my usually random and somewhat innocuous ramblings are non existent...

cold feet

why did i suddenly feel like running away?

that brief fleeting moment
needing to escape

when what i wanted in the first place was a clear indication

when i needed that bit of confirmation?

is my heart still so fickle, or am i just afraid...

rambling

Why is it when you are still trying to figure things out, everyone else already has an opinion?

Believe me I don't really mind the insight, as much as I try not to be conformed by the molds of society they still have an effect. So it is important to know how things appear to others. Sometimes that knowledge just makes it all the harder to figure out the truth of a thing.

Relationships aren't easy. Seeing as it's been 8 years or more since my last dating relationship, and the only "date" that I have been on since then was just a total wash... well you might understand why I am so confused.

Can't I just have a close guy friend like I used to? A guy that I can tell anything to? or at least pretend to tell everything to?

However it may look "Nebraska" and I are still just getting to know one another. We still spend hours talking about movies we loved as kids, and our jobs, and the weather. We've barely touched the deep stuff. So just because we tend to cuddle and look all happy sappy doesn't mean squat. We're cuddlers and sometimes you find someone that it's just easy to cuddle with, someone you just connect with somehow.

Do I hope that it might could grow into something more?

Sure, but I also know that we are of the same mind that these things take time, and I mean serious time. So I am looking forward to getting to know him better. To discovering more things that we both enjoy. To having some long serious talks.

I appreciate my friends looking out for me. I would do the same for them. I love them and know that they have my best interest at heart. I pray that they understand when it may seem like I am not taking things they say completely to heart. I'm storing those things away and taking them into account. I am still just trying to understand what I myself am feeling. To figure out why I am acting a certain way. If I am changing myself or hiding my self or... well you get the idea.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit.

it never fails, things get comfortable …settled even and someone up and quits , or gets transferred or whatever… it never fails… why does it always seem like things aren’t allowed to relax for even a bit…

I guess that’s the nature of life though isn’t it…

As much as we dislike change, it’s inevitable.

I any group friends, coworkers, church, etc… things will change, people will move on, because as much as they are a part of that group they live a life separate from that group, they are their own person and their goals and needs won’t ever line up completely with that of the group… life will always pull them away to something else…

So what is wrong that I always feel like the one who doesn’t change, who never leaves, the one that is always left behind…

:)

speaking of dancing.... i tihnk i could almost sing too! lol this week is looking up :)

Sometimes your life gets turned around, hilter, kilter upside down…

It’s a sad day, in my neighborhood…

realizations...

Do you ever think about the lives that are being lived around you? Lives of people that you care about, but maybe can’t be involved in? I am sitting at work watching an old friend do business… and I think we used to be part of each other’s lives… not a large part but part. And he’s still in town, still goes about his life, but I don’t know much if anything about that life.

It’s the same with old college friends. I hear about them, read about pieces of their lives… and then you run into them in some random place and realize – they’re here too. They still go about their life in the same city you are in and yet you don’t participate in that life with them. You think about them and wonder what is going on with them , but never see them.

It’s not a purposeful thing, you just get busy with life. People and circumstances take you in a certain direction and you get lost in the day to day. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you think that if you just close your eyes no one can see you… instead of not being seen you are the one not seeing…

So I want to apologize, and I know you don’t think bad of me. I need to apologize just the same. If I have blinded myself to you and your life, if I’ve taken myself away. Please forgive me, and give me another chance. There are only so many moments, but I want to share them…. I want to cherish each and everyone.

realizations...

Do you ever think about the lives that are being lived around you? Lives of people that you care about, but maybe can’t be involved in? I am sitting at work watching an old friend do business… and I think we used to be part of each other’s lives… not a large part but part. And he’s still in town, still goes about his life, but I don’t know much if anything about that life.

It’s the same with old college friends. I hear about them, read about pieces of their lives… and then you run into them in some random place and realize – they’re here too. They still go about their life in the same city you are in and yet you don’t participate in that life with them. You think about them and wonder what is going on with them , but never see them.

It’s not a purposeful thing, you just get busy with life. People and circumstances take you in a certain direction and you get lost in the day to day. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you think that if you just close your eyes no one can see you… instead of not being seen you are the one not seeing…

So I want to apologize, and I know you don’t think bad of me. I need to apologize just the same. If I have blinded myself to you and your life, if I’ve taken myself away. Please forgive me, and give me another chance. There are only so many moments, but I want to share them…. I want to cherish each and everyone.

heart thoughts

Sometimes I wish I could whistle…



Guess that just means I will find my self dancing, much more than normal… my heart is dancing now…

Breaking the silence.

Awakening hearts.

Looking for refuge.

Where do we start?

.

Music is the breeze on which our memories waft…

falling

I think, for the first time, I had the sudden sensation that my whole world might be falling apart…

What happens when the seams start to split,

When all that seemed full is transparent?

How does it happen so suddenly,

Where will all the pieces go?

Who will make it alright again?

God is the one who will make it right.

Jehovah will find the missing pieces.

My Elohim will bring the chaos to a halt.

Jehovah will set the path ahead.

Jesus will sew it according to His pattern.

My God is an awesome God and He will help me find the way!

Blogging via e-mail... this could come in handy :)

blanks

a blank page,
a new day...
not blank any more though
from the moment i awakened,
pen was set to paper...

written october 20, 2003

winter 07

I know you are there.
I know what you've done.
You're a part of my life,
but I've made you so small.

So why don't I change?
Many tell me it's not wrong,
but by whose standard, dare I say?
You should be my guide.

My life is to simple, to easy, you see.
I lean every which way, but up.


incomplete or unpolished from winter 07(?)

For Amy

is this obsession real? this love that he feels.
have we invited a spook or a spark?

can we ever know the true course of a thought, a gaze, a heart?

to ask that we stay, to know where we aren't,
to permit that he go, my eyes to awake.



Written April 2006 for my friend Amy. Contemplating relationships and the possibility that what we feel, hear, and percieve are not always the truth.

forgotten times...

Cleaned out some old purses today, so I could get rid of them...lots of trash but among the reciepts, gum, and loose change I found a few gems- photos, notes, and business cards- took me back a little, reminded me of forgotten times...

so there may be a few posts soon that come from that...

Sunset over the city

I love driving into downtown after work. The sun setting behind me paints such a beautiful picture. Giving life to buildings that hide all day.
I can't recall the number of times I have wished that I could just stop in the middle of Jarvis Klapman and capture the skyline with my camera....

Vibrant colors reflected on silvered windows;

Golden highlites touch the edges of brick and mortar,

making buildings pop from the darkened sky.

And in my rearview mirror,

the true image of God's handiwork;

Which no manmade object could e'er imitate.

driving in early January

and that sliver of a moon held more thoughts and wishes than any one man could imagine...