rambling

Why is it when you are still trying to figure things out, everyone else already has an opinion?

Believe me I don't really mind the insight, as much as I try not to be conformed by the molds of society they still have an effect. So it is important to know how things appear to others. Sometimes that knowledge just makes it all the harder to figure out the truth of a thing.

Relationships aren't easy. Seeing as it's been 8 years or more since my last dating relationship, and the only "date" that I have been on since then was just a total wash... well you might understand why I am so confused.

Can't I just have a close guy friend like I used to? A guy that I can tell anything to? or at least pretend to tell everything to?

However it may look "Nebraska" and I are still just getting to know one another. We still spend hours talking about movies we loved as kids, and our jobs, and the weather. We've barely touched the deep stuff. So just because we tend to cuddle and look all happy sappy doesn't mean squat. We're cuddlers and sometimes you find someone that it's just easy to cuddle with, someone you just connect with somehow.

Do I hope that it might could grow into something more?

Sure, but I also know that we are of the same mind that these things take time, and I mean serious time. So I am looking forward to getting to know him better. To discovering more things that we both enjoy. To having some long serious talks.

I appreciate my friends looking out for me. I would do the same for them. I love them and know that they have my best interest at heart. I pray that they understand when it may seem like I am not taking things they say completely to heart. I'm storing those things away and taking them into account. I am still just trying to understand what I myself am feeling. To figure out why I am acting a certain way. If I am changing myself or hiding my self or... well you get the idea.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit.

realizations...

Do you ever think about the lives that are being lived around you? Lives of people that you care about, but maybe can’t be involved in? I am sitting at work watching an old friend do business… and I think we used to be part of each other’s lives… not a large part but part. And he’s still in town, still goes about his life, but I don’t know much if anything about that life.

It’s the same with old college friends. I hear about them, read about pieces of their lives… and then you run into them in some random place and realize – they’re here too. They still go about their life in the same city you are in and yet you don’t participate in that life with them. You think about them and wonder what is going on with them , but never see them.

It’s not a purposeful thing, you just get busy with life. People and circumstances take you in a certain direction and you get lost in the day to day. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you think that if you just close your eyes no one can see you… instead of not being seen you are the one not seeing…

So I want to apologize, and I know you don’t think bad of me. I need to apologize just the same. If I have blinded myself to you and your life, if I’ve taken myself away. Please forgive me, and give me another chance. There are only so many moments, but I want to share them…. I want to cherish each and everyone.

realizations...

Do you ever think about the lives that are being lived around you? Lives of people that you care about, but maybe can’t be involved in? I am sitting at work watching an old friend do business… and I think we used to be part of each other’s lives… not a large part but part. And he’s still in town, still goes about his life, but I don’t know much if anything about that life.

It’s the same with old college friends. I hear about them, read about pieces of their lives… and then you run into them in some random place and realize – they’re here too. They still go about their life in the same city you are in and yet you don’t participate in that life with them. You think about them and wonder what is going on with them , but never see them.

It’s not a purposeful thing, you just get busy with life. People and circumstances take you in a certain direction and you get lost in the day to day. It’s kind of like when you’re a kid and you think that if you just close your eyes no one can see you… instead of not being seen you are the one not seeing…

So I want to apologize, and I know you don’t think bad of me. I need to apologize just the same. If I have blinded myself to you and your life, if I’ve taken myself away. Please forgive me, and give me another chance. There are only so many moments, but I want to share them…. I want to cherish each and everyone.

For Amy

is this obsession real? this love that he feels.
have we invited a spook or a spark?

can we ever know the true course of a thought, a gaze, a heart?

to ask that we stay, to know where we aren't,
to permit that he go, my eyes to awake.



Written April 2006 for my friend Amy. Contemplating relationships and the possibility that what we feel, hear, and percieve are not always the truth.