deeper

so many times i thought i was ready, hoped you would make that move. but we weren't really there, and that sort of loss of self control would have led to a much deeper chasm...

Rememberies

My memories fade. Mixed with images too often told to be true, recited as a story from a book. Yet the characters are real and the situations plausible.
I have to dredge up images of people and places I thought I may never forget. To seek down the events in the recesses of my mind. Moments of a few months overshadowed and replaced by the me I've become through them. These memories seen through the scope of a camera, almost as though they belong to someone else. But some memories, both old and new are as real as the times themselves. What does this say?

I no longer wake up feeling as though I am wrapped in your arms. But the feeling is still true in the light of day.

disillusioned

Shades of gray,
penciled in.
When ink would
have made
things much
clearer.

When you're ready to come out of your self-imposed hibernation, I'd love to share some time with you.

thoughts on grief

sometimes i wonder about the depth of my emotion, i know people who hold on to stuff... this is all prompted from hearing someone about a deceased loved one that they think about them everyday... given this was a person that had committed suicide at a young age when the person speaking was even younger, but i don't hold on to that kind of thing. yes i have memories of family members that have passed away, but i often have trouble remembering even the littlest things about them... and i know that this doesn't make me a bad person or anything like that. but it does scare me sometimes and cause me to wonder how deep do i let myself feel? am i capable of something greater than myself? why do i seem to be built so differently from those around me... and how is God planning to use that?

nice

It's nice...

to know we are on the same track...
thinking about the same things...

to hear him say things that I have thought...

and to realize that it's the right track.

I would be so easy to be on the wrong track together, to go with what feels good... and not what we know is right.

So even though it's hard sometimes to resist that kiss, or that thought... it's better this way.

:)

Tonight was really nice...

rose

What is the story of a creamy white rose,
left in a gravel parking lot,
wilted yet not brown?


undated --charleston, evening or early morning... on my way to take a walk on the beach. Must have been early spring, in the all day parking lot at Isle of Palms. I was inspired to wonder about this flower.
Was it the remnant of a romance lost, or the litter of a casual fling?

rambling

Why is it when you are still trying to figure things out, everyone else already has an opinion?

Believe me I don't really mind the insight, as much as I try not to be conformed by the molds of society they still have an effect. So it is important to know how things appear to others. Sometimes that knowledge just makes it all the harder to figure out the truth of a thing.

Relationships aren't easy. Seeing as it's been 8 years or more since my last dating relationship, and the only "date" that I have been on since then was just a total wash... well you might understand why I am so confused.

Can't I just have a close guy friend like I used to? A guy that I can tell anything to? or at least pretend to tell everything to?

However it may look "Nebraska" and I are still just getting to know one another. We still spend hours talking about movies we loved as kids, and our jobs, and the weather. We've barely touched the deep stuff. So just because we tend to cuddle and look all happy sappy doesn't mean squat. We're cuddlers and sometimes you find someone that it's just easy to cuddle with, someone you just connect with somehow.

Do I hope that it might could grow into something more?

Sure, but I also know that we are of the same mind that these things take time, and I mean serious time. So I am looking forward to getting to know him better. To discovering more things that we both enjoy. To having some long serious talks.

I appreciate my friends looking out for me. I would do the same for them. I love them and know that they have my best interest at heart. I pray that they understand when it may seem like I am not taking things they say completely to heart. I'm storing those things away and taking them into account. I am still just trying to understand what I myself am feeling. To figure out why I am acting a certain way. If I am changing myself or hiding my self or... well you get the idea.

Thanks for letting me ramble a bit.

winter 07

I know you are there.
I know what you've done.
You're a part of my life,
but I've made you so small.

So why don't I change?
Many tell me it's not wrong,
but by whose standard, dare I say?
You should be my guide.

My life is to simple, to easy, you see.
I lean every which way, but up.


incomplete or unpolished from winter 07(?)

For Amy

is this obsession real? this love that he feels.
have we invited a spook or a spark?

can we ever know the true course of a thought, a gaze, a heart?

to ask that we stay, to know where we aren't,
to permit that he go, my eyes to awake.



Written April 2006 for my friend Amy. Contemplating relationships and the possibility that what we feel, hear, and percieve are not always the truth.